5 steps to become a Substack bestseller (even if your mom is your only subscriber)

A step-by-step guide!

Jan 15, 2025

Hey friends,

Before diving into today’s (hopefully) hilarious post, I want to take a moment to say that if you or your loved ones are based in Los Angeles (Substack tells me many of my readers are in California), I hope you’re safe. The news is devastating, and honestly, I’m tired of hearing only about celebrities who lost their homes. That’s sad, of course—their memories can’t be recovered—but what’s worse is the countless people who will struggle to rebuild their lives. My thoughts are with you, Angelenos.

Now, without further ado, I hope this post brings a little laughter amid all the craziness happening in the world. I look forward to meeting you in the comments!

5 steps to become a Substack bestseller (even if your mom is your only subscriber)

Substack is where dreams are made—or at least it’s where we writers go to channel our existential crises into something vaguely productive. It’s like an online diary, except instead of locking it and hiding it under your bed, you share it with strangers on the internet and charge them for it. What’s not to love?

The appeal is obvious. Substack gives you a platform to write whatever you want without an editor breathing down your neck or a manager making sure your team is “aligned”. You’re free, baby! Free to overshare, ramble, or write your manifesto on why pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza. And, if you play your cards right, you can even make money doing it.

But let’s get real for a second about the dream vs. reality:

The dream. Bestseller badges. Thousands of subscribers. People throwing money at you to read your genius thoughts on life, love, and whether aliens are real.
The reality. The crushing realization that your mom, two bots named “Newsletter_Enthusiast143” and “HotSinglesInYourArea,” and your cat are not a viable subscriber base.

Substack fame sounds glamorous, but most of us are just scribbling into the void and hoping the void pays us $5 a month. Don’t worry though, with this guide, you’ll learn how to turn your Substack from a personal therapy session into a bestselling empire. Or, at the very least, get a few strangers to laugh while funding your coffee habit.

Step 1: Find your niche (or pretend you have one)

Finding your niche is like online dating, you don’t want to be too vague (“I like long walks and food”) or too specific (“I only date Aquarius vegans who own rescue llamas”). You need just the right mix of intrigue and clarity to hook people. Your Substack is no different.

Let’s look at some helpful examples:

Too broad. “Thoughts About Life.” Sure, Karen, but whose life?
Too niche. “Cat Astrology for Left-Handed Librarians.” Cool idea, but your subscriber base is literally two people.
Just right. “How to Cook Like a Pro Without Burning Down Your Apartment.” Specific, useful, and relatable—chef’s kiss.

If you hate the idea of narrowing down, keep in mind, you don’t have to limit your content forever.

A niche is like a party theme—pick one so people show up. Once they’re there, you can throw in surprise disco balls and karaoke machines (or, you know, random essays about your existential crises). No one will care as long as your writing is entertaining.

Pro tip: You don’t need real expertise—just conviction. People will believe anything if you say it confidently. So pick a niche, slap a clever name on it, and call it a day. Nobody will know you came up with it at 2 am while eating cold pizza.

We all know Substack is full of overthinkers. Your niche doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to sound like you kind of know what you’re doing.

Step 2: Build your brand like it’s Beyoncé-level iconic

If you think you can slap “My Newsletter” on your Substack and expect subscribers to roll in, think again. Your brand must dazzle, intrigue, and look like you know what you’re doing (even if you don’t). Think Beyoncé launching an album at midnight—not your cousin’s garage band posting flyers at the local laundromat.

Here’s how to make your Substack unforgettable:

Name your newsletter like it’s your firstborn. Your name should stop people in their tracks. Think less “Weekly Thoughts by Dana” and more “The Anxiety Optimist Chronicles” or “Let’s Panic Creatively!” Bonus points if it makes people laugh, cry, or say, “What the hell is this?”
Write a tagline that could go on a t-shirt. This is your moment to shine—don’t waste it.
- Good. “Hilarious life advice for people who still can’t fold fitted sheets.” (Think I just found my new tagline!)
- Bad. “Things I Write About Sometimes, I Guess.”
- Weirdly intriguing. “Because who needs therapy when you have me?”
Channel your inner Canva designer. You don’t need to be Picasso, but your visuals shouldn’t look like a middle school PowerPoint project. A clean banner, a decent profile pic, and maybe a logo that doesn’t scream, “I did this in Microsoft Paint.”

Pro tip: Think of branding as a dating profile for your Substack. Use a catchy name, witty tagline, and a profile pic that says, “I’m approachable but also possibly a genius.” If you nail this, people will subscribe just to bask in your aesthetic.

You’re not just selling content—you’re selling vibes.

Step 3: Write like chaos is your ally

Writing for your Substack is easy. All you have to do is be consistently brilliant, engaging, and funny while also offering life-changing insights in every post. Easy peasy, right?

Here’s how to fake it ‘til you make it:

Start with your Beyoncé posts. Think of your pillar content as the songs everyone skips to on the album. If you can make people laugh, cry, or question their life choices in one sitting, congrats—you’re their new favorite writer.
- Example. “The Existential Dread Survival Guide (Brought to You by Snacks)”
- Bonus. Add a clickbaity title. People love a good bait-and-switch.
Post regularly, even if you’re dead inside. Your audience doesn’t care if Mercury is in retrograde or you ran out of oat milk this week. Consistency is sexy, so stick to a schedule—even if it’s once a month. Just don’t vanish for six weeks and return with “Hey, I’ve been busy” or “Sorry, I’ve been Subslacking” (that’s my line) as your excuse.
Write like you’re drunk at brunch: Overshare just enough to make it fun, but not so much that people unsubscribe out of secondhand embarrassment.

Pro tip: Self-deprecating humor is gold, but don’t turn your newsletter into a live therapy session.

Your writing doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to make readers feel something. Preferably laughter, but existential dread works, too.

Step 4: Market yourself like a shameless reality TV contestant

Marketing your Substack is like flirting. You want to grab attention without looking like you’re trying too hard. The ultimate goal is to make people curious enough to click your link, but not so annoyed they block you.

Replace “U READ MY TEXT &?” With “U READ MY POST &?????” LOL

Here’s how to hustle with humor:

Crash the Substack Notes party. Think of Notes as the social equivalent of showing up at someone’s wedding and stealing the mic. Drop clever comments, plug your newsletter subtly (or not-so-subtly), and bask in the attention.
- Example. “Great post, but have you read my newsletter? It’s basically this, but better.” (Kidding. Don’t do that.)
Become a meme machine. Take your best line from a post, slap it on a meme, and let the internet do its thing. Nothing says “Subscribe to me!” like a joke that gets 100 likes from strangers.
Collaborate like you’re joining the Writer Mafia. Team up with other Substackers for shoutouts or guest posts. Promise to return the favor or, better yet, buy them coffee. Writers are cheap—we’ll do anything for caffeine.

Pro tip: Marketing is 10% strategy and 90% convincing people you’re funnier, smarter, or more interesting than you actually are. And if all else fails, just tell people your newsletter cured someone’s existential crisis. They won’t believe you, but they might click out of curiosity.

Step 5: Monetize like you’re launching a luxury brand

So you want people to pay for your Substack? I get it. Me too. It’s a bold move, but hey, Beyoncé charges for her brilliance, and so can you. The trick is to make your paid tier feel like an exclusive VIP club—think velvet ropes, not desperate “As Seen on TV” vibes.

Make your paid tier sound fancy AF. Call it something like “The Secret Society of Genius Readers” or “Elite Brain Fuel.” Who wouldn’t want in?
- Example perks. Bonus content, live Q&A sessions, or a weekly “behind-the-scenes” email where you share your deepest, most ridiculous thoughts.
Pitch it like a pro. Use lines like, “For the cost of one overpriced latte a month, you can fund my creative chaos and get premium content.” People will think, “Wow, what a steal!” instead of, “What a scam.”
Throw in fake urgency. Add a time-limited bonus, like a free downloadable guide or a shoutout in your next post. Nothing says “Buy now!” like mild FOMO.

Pro tip: Confidence is key. You’re not just selling words—you’re selling access to you. And you, my friend, are priceless... but also, like, $5/month.

Don’t be shy about plugging your paid tier. Your audience already knows you’re mildly unhinged—they’ll love you for asking with confidence. Plus, they want to support you (or at least keep the chaos coming).

Embrace the chaos

So, you’ve made it to the end of this guide, which means you’re either ready to conquer Substack or you’re just here for the laughs. Either way, congratulations! Now you’re equipped with the knowledge to become a Substack bestseller—or at least convince yourself you’re crushing it while screaming into the digital abyss.

Substack success is part strategy, part blind luck, and 100% you writing to yourself until someone—anyone—shows up. One day, you’re crafting a Pulitzer-worthy post on why avocado toast is overrated, and the next, your mom is forwarding it to her book club as “My child’s little hobby.” It’s humbling, really.

Even if your subscriber list consists of your mom, two bots, and that one coworker who accidentally clicked “Subscribe” while stalking you, you’re still a writer. Writers are notoriously broke, so in a way, you’re already living the dream!

Chaos is part of the process. Lean into it. Laugh at it. And when in doubt, just write like no one’s reading—because at first, no one is.

Now, go for it and hit that “Publish” button. You never know… Maybe today’s the day you go viral—or at least get a new subscriber who isn’t related to you. Either way, you’re doing the thing, and that’s worth celebrating. 🎉

But seriously…

If you’re looking for some resources that will actually help you step up your Substack game, I’ve included a few links below (in no particular order because I got lazy):

Let’s chat

What tips would you add to this guide?
Which tip will you implement immediately?
How’s your day going?
Do you like Beyoncé?
Did this make you laugh? Or did it suck?

BONUS TIP

You could also have your cat plug your paid offering, which in my case isn’t really much, but I do spend at least 100 hours each week working on this thing, which means I’ll likely lose my day job soon. For free, you get almost everything. And for a small fee, you get EVERYTHING. Here’s a quick note from Whiskers:

I’m just a cat supporting my human’s independent writing journey. Sometimes I review her drafts and make suggestions, but I mostly just walk all over the keyboard while she writes (blame the typos on me). Anyway, please subscribe to her Substack and consider upgrading to paid so she can buy me more treats.

You can even choose your budget:

I’m sure my human would love an allowance for coffee and snacks (that she can share with me), but we appreciate your support whatever you decide!

In case you’re new here… Hey! I’m Alexis, a New York-born and raised freelance tech writer living my best life in cozy Amsterdam. I’m also moonlighting as a humorist here at Humor in Progress, at least that’s what I tell myself. Thanks for reading!