A not so sexy winter vacation

Help my human!

Dear Humans,

I’m filling in for Alexis today while she’s enjoying a workation in Praia da Luz, Portugal. She even set up a profile for me here on Substack. lol

Before she left, I found her packing list on the table. I don’t understand her. She’s almost 40. She’s not almost dead. This list is SO different than what she packed for a winter vacation in her 20s, even in her early 30s. What happened to being (or at least feeling) sexy on vacation? I mean come on, look at this!

Then

✔️ String bikini, bronzing oil

✔️ Tube tops, tight jeans

✔️ Flipflops, open-toed strappy heels

✔️ Blush, mascara, black eyeliner, pink lip gloss

✔️ Green Nokia, international calling card, iPod mini

✔️ Ibuprofen, regular tampons

✔️ Hairbrush, dryer, gel, mousse, curling iron, straightener

✔️ A friend or two

Now

✔️ “Sexy” red one-piece, SPF 1000

✔️ Loose dresses, elastic waistband pants

✔️ Beat-up sneakers (that’s it)

✔️ Moisturizer, anti-aging cream, Carmex

✔️ iPhone, Kindle, iPad, Fit Bit (or is it spelled Fitbit? I don’t know, I’m just a cat), noise-canceling headphones, regular earbuds, journal, pen, 10 thousand chargers

✔️ Ibuprofen, super tampons, hot water bottle

✔️ Hairbrush

✔️ No one, hopefully

What do you think? Should I tell her to revise this list if she has any interest in getting laid?

Lots of snuggles,

Whiskers

P.S. Alexis told me a few of you have asked if she’ll still share personal writing here on Substack. The answer is yes, occasionally. You can subscribe to that right here if you still want to receive more personal tidbits. No pressure though.

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In case you’re new here… Hey! I’m Alexis, a New York-born and raised freelance tech writer living my best life in cozy Amsterdam. I’m also moonlighting as a humorist here at Humor in Progress, at least that’s what I tell myself. Thanks for reading!

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