How to crush your New Year’s resolutions (or at least look like you’re trying)

Add your “how to” requests (the more absurd the better) in the comments of this post or send me a DM! Each month, I'll pick a question at random to cover in one of my next humorous how-tos.

Hey friends,

Since this is my first post of 2025, I want to talk to you about New Year’s resolutions. You know, the annual ritual of setting wildly unattainable goals in the hopes that this will be the year you finally become Gwyneth Paltrow or George Clooney. Spoiler: It won’t be. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun trying.

In this post, you will learn how to set resolutions like a boss and keep them (or at least make it seem like you are). Let’s dive in.

Whiskers is BACK, guys! He’s the best at helping me dish out (useless) advice.

1. Be specific

Traditional advice tells you to be specific. Don’t just say, “I want to get in shape.” Say, “I want to run a marathon in June.” But I think, aim for something more realistic instead like, “I want to find my sneakers by June.” If you’re feeling ambitious, add, “And maybe put them on. No promises.”

2. Make it measurable

This one’s important. If you don’t create benchmarks to track your progress how will you ever know if you’re succeeding? Every time you eat a salad or jog (to catch the ice cream truck), give yourself a gold star. Collect 100 stars and trade them in for a nap. Productivity is exhausting. Am I right?

3. Be realistic

The last thing you want to do is set goals that you can’t actually achieve. Don’t overdo it. Set goals you already do like, “Binge watch at least three Netflix show a week.” Congratulations, you’re a high achiever now.

4. Write it down

Increase your chances of success by jotting down your goals. Do it here, email them to a friend, or write about them in your morning pages. Wherever it is, make sure it’s in a place where you’ll never look again. Even better, use invisible ink. That way, when you don’t achieve them, no one can call you out. Perfect.

5. Share your goals

Create cute graphics and heartfelt captions that you can post on Instagram. Talk about personal growth and what’s IN and OUT for you in 2025, then disable comments. Accountability at its best.

6. Celebrate small wins

It’s crucial to reward yourself for hitting milestones regardless of how big or small they are. But even if you don’t hit any milestones, you should still celebrate just for thinking about starting. Reward yourself with wine, nachos, or chocolate chip cookies, whatever you fancy. You’ve earned it!

7. Quit when things get hard

It’s ok to slip up sometimes, but only let it happen once. Quit immediately and call it “self-care.” New Year’s resolutions are just a suggestion anyway. Always treat-yo-self first.

By following these tips, you’ll definitely crush your goals or at least have a great excuse for not trying. Either way, 2025 is your year—probably.

But seriously…

I don’t set any grand New Year’s resolutions, but I do like to reflect on the past year and think about things I’d like to work on or do in the coming year. I break it down into categories like family, health, work/business, hobbies, places to go, habits to make or break, and so on. I even set it up in a nifty Google Sheet so I can refer back to it (but I usually don’t look at it again until the last week of the year). It’s fun to see what I actually did and what I’ll probably never do no matter how many times I write it down.

I made a copy of the sheet and deleted my entries so you can view it and make a copy of it for yourself, if you wish to!

Over to you!

• What tips would you add to this list?

• Which ones did you find helpful?

• What goals do you plan on not achieving this year?

• What other completely unrelated questions would you like me to answer in future humorous how-to posts like this one?

😹 Please make your comments and questions as absurd as possible.

Until next time,

Alexis (and Whiskers)

P.S. I write here on the side. Thankfully, I have a day job where I make a decent living, but you can show your support for my independent writing by becoming a free or paid subscriber and sharing my posts with a friend. I’d love a monthly allowance (just $5) for coffee and snacks, but whatever you decide, thank you for reading!