How to get served faster at a crowded bar (+ a case study)
The ultimate guide!
Author’s note: Add your “how to” requests (the more absurd the better) in the comments at the end of this post or send me a DM! Each month, I'll pick a question at random to cover in one of my next humorous how-tos.
10 expert tips to get served faster at a crowded bar
Pre-game at home (preferably with friends) for exactly 2 hours, 22 minutes, and 22 seconds to build some (liquid) courage.
Wear a sexy outfit, but keep it casual—skip the bra.
Slip on heels you can’t walk in. When you shove past people to reach the bar, flash a grin and say, “Oops, new shoes! Thanks for catching me.”
Claim your spot at the bar with authority.
Casually lean over to catch the bartender’s attention.
Be bold. Forget showing a little cleavage—show one boob. This is critical. Only one. Two would be scandalous.
Make sure it’s your left boob.
While your left boob works its magic, wave your right hand like you’re hailing a cab. Perfect.
Success! You’ve got his attention, and everyone else is invisible.
Order your favorite drink and enjoy. 🍻
Case study
Skeptical? I get it. But I’ve tested these tips, and the results speak for themselves. Let me explain.
Once upon a time, about 20 years ago in the early 2000s, I was 19 and, well, free-spirited.
My go-to “going out” look was flared jeans, a black halter top, heels I couldn’t walk in, and $8 dangly earrings from Urban Outfitters.
On a random Tuesday night, after our usual pre-game at my tiny NYC fifth-floor walk-up, my friends and I stumbled downstairs and hailed a cab downtown to dance at whatever hotspot accepted our fake IDs. Ah, the good old days.
The days of no bras.
I thought my boobs looked sexy flopping around in my low-cut halter top—wild and free. I strutted to the bar, squeezing between people, determined to snag a drink.
Wow, that was fast! I thought as the bartender came right over.
“I’ll have a vod—” I began, but he stopped me. Tapping my shoulder, he pointed at my chest.
My left boob had popped out and was taking a little nap on the bar.
Two vodka sodas, please!
THE END.
Comments
How are ya? How’s your year been so far?
Are you doing dry January? I’m not.
What’s your most embarrassing outfit mishap?
What was your favorite drink in college that you’ll never drink again because the smell of it makes you want to barf?
What’s your favorite drink these days? Tbh, I’m not much of a drinker anymore, but I love a nice cold white beer (or two) after a padel match.
What’s your (most absurd) go-to strategy for getting served faster at the bar (or really anywhere)?
Did you like this short story? Or did it suck? I LOVE experimenting here.
Have a topic you’d like me to cover in a future “how to”?
Until next time,
Alexis
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In case you’re new here… Hey! I’m Alexis, a New York-born and raised freelance tech writer living my best life in cozy Amsterdam. I’m also moonlighting as a humorist here at Humor in Progress, at least that’s what I tell myself. Thanks for reading!
Two great/horribly embarrassing outfit mishaps. One, I went to the bank wearing a white shirt and only afterwards did I realise I had a chunk of my lunch on the shirt. And it a piece of mushroom from my curry 😔
The second was similar. I was teaching and sneezed 🤧. Fine, no problem. No one said a thing.
After class, went to the bathroom and noticed the giant snot on my shirt!
Actually, just thought of a third, in the classroom. My trousers got caught on the whiteboard, where the markers are kept, and ripped. Luckily I was wearing pink boxer shorts that day. The students had a great laugh at my expense 😂
"Taking a nap on the bar" - hahahah. I literally lol'd.