My January horoscope decoded

According to my imaginary cat, Whiskers.

Whiskers is in his element.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Dear Human,

Your creative overwhelm did not subside as you had hoped at the beginning of January. You still have 123243524324643 bad ideas and you’ll probably see only 25% of ONE of them through. But still, 2025 could be the year that you break this habit. This is your year, Virgo! THIS year! 2025. Or maybe it will happen for you in 2026. Let’s see.

Venus, the supposed love planet, cast a dark shadow over your relationship zone early in the month around 3 January, bringing even more bad vibes to the bedroom. Recommendation: read All Fours and watch babygirl for a much-needed sexual awakening. Hopefully, with Valentine’s Day on the horizon, you’ll have better luck next month.

There are no changes ahead in your work life. It’s still boring as fuck. But hey, at least it pays the bills. There’s something about approaching 40 this year that has freed you from caring about impressing people and people-pleasing on the business front. Love this for you, seriously. Now, if you could only figure out how to achieve this in your personal life.

By the middle of the month, you’ll never want to network with another human again and forget about your LinkedIn inbox, just delete everything and start fresh. If you’re doubting yourself, don’t. You have to fake it ‘til you make it, Virgo. That’s your way.

Around 26 January, the Aquarius season will grab your attention and make you evaluate your daily routine and wellness habits. Unfortunately, the universe knows you’ve been sitting your ass on the sofa far too much this month and that’s why your back hurts. You know it too, don’t lie to yourself. If you really want to look good in a bikini (I mean, your “sexy” red one-piece) on your winter holiday, get your ass up and go to the gym. Ok, Virgo?

The new moon on 29 January is the perfect time to slap on some spandex, stop licking the brownie bowl, and happily skip your jiggly bum to the gym or your favorite workout class. What you do once you get there, is up to you.

If you made travel plans for the end of the month, be ready for something to go wrong.

Remember, Virgo. This is YOUR year!

Your January mantra: Get off your ass.

Meow you,

Whiskers

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In case you’re new here… Hey! I’m Alexis, a New York-born and raised freelance tech writer living my best life in cozy Amsterdam. I’m also moonlighting as a humorist here at Humor in Progress, at least that’s what I tell myself. Thanks for reading!

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