How to avoid political arguments at the holiday dinner table

A step-by-step guide to navigating the most contentious meal of the year without ruining the gravy.

1. Strategically seat yourself
   The key to survival is placement. Aim for the end of the table, preferably near the kids’ section or next to someone hard of hearing. Avoid sitting near Uncle Gary—he’s got a lot to say about gas prices.

2. Deploy the “festive deflection”
   When someone brings up politics, quickly redirect with holiday-themed questions like:

   • “Who wants more pie?”

   • “Did you see the neighbor’s Christmas lights this year?”

   • “Do you think Santa’s sleigh is electric yet?”

3. Invent a distraction
   Spill some cranberry sauce, “accidentally” unplug the Christmas tree lights, or claim you just heard the dog eating tinsel. Chaos is your ally here.

4. Fake a sudden interest in the food
   When a heated debate starts, become overly enthusiastic about the meal. Compliment the stuffing like it’s Michelin-starred. Offer an unsolicited history of mashed potatoes. Your goal is to bore everyone into submission.

5. Drop a ridiculous opinion
   If all else fails, say something absurd to derail the conversation:

   • “You know, I heard the Pilgrims invented charcuterie boards.”

   • “I think fruitcake is the most underrated dessert.”

   It’s hard to argue politics when everyone is questioning your sanity.

6. Excuse yourself for "important business"
   When tensions reach a boiling point, excuse yourself with a vague comment like, “I need to check on something in the oven,” even if it’s empty. Stay in the kitchen until dessert is served.

Congratulations! Now you’re ready to survive another holiday dinner without a single political debate. Sure, you might be known as “that weird quiet one,” but at least you’ll still get invited back next year.

What tips would you add to this list?